Today would have been my brother’s 59th birthday.
For at least the last 50 years or so (probably more), I have identified myself
as the sister of a person with a disability. I have identified myself as a helper,
fixer, do-gooder, people-pleaser, champion of the underdog, and mostly—worst of
all—a victim of the circumstances of my life. Everything I did, even though at
times I tried rebelling my way out of it, I did to fulfill the roles I believed
were true about me.
My parents have both passed away, and yet I still do things
to try to please them.
I am 62 years old and still not clear on who I am.
Step one is to Let Go of the Past.
The past is gone. It is only a thought. It no longer exists
and can only affect me based on the thoughts I think about it.
To Let Go of the Past,
I will be writing a letter to myself over the next several weeks to help me to uncover
negative feelings. While I do not endorse dwelling on the past, it is
important to actually face the past, deal with it, and move on. Covering up
feelings by overeating, overdrinking, overworking, overspending, over-doing anything
just to take away the pain temporarily will never solve the problem. It will
only create new ones.
This process may seem
harsh at times. It is not meant to disrespect of my parents or my brother. It
is an examination of my own thoughts and feelings through the eyes of a child
who experienced pain because of her sibling’s disability. Unfortunately, those childhood
feelings are still with me and need to go away. I am doing this process both
for my own personal growth and also to share with other siblings, so they may know
that others understand. It is the beginning of the healing process.
Some people might think I didn’t love my brother or my
parents if they were to read this blog, but quite the opposite. I loved them
fiercely and was in protection mode most of the time.
Let’s get started:
It is important that you address your letter to yourself. I addressed
mine, “Dear Paula,”
During the first week, write paragraph one, “I am angry because…”
I will not
include the full letter here because some of the stuff I do not want to be
public. But here are some of the thoughts that I have been feeling angry about:
I am angry because there were so many responsibilities
and so many expectations placed on me;
I am angry because people judged me and my
family because of my brother;
I am angry because my parents made excuses
for my brother’s behavior and his mean, aggressive actions towards me because he
“didn’t know any better”;
I am angry because my feelings didn’t seem
to matter; because I was “smart” I could always handle everything;
I am angry because I feel like I am not
enough, no matter what I do.
Your list
may (probably will) be different, and in some ways similar to mine. Be honest
with yourself!
I suffered actual trauma as a child, but it was never acknowledged
because the person causing the trauma (my brother) was disabled. I guess that
was supposed to make the trauma imaginary.
I’m convinced that my parents actually believed that it was
just drama and not real trauma. Paul was disabled, I was not. Therefore, I was supposed
to be able to deal with anything. Although I know that Mom and Dad did love me
very much, what they did not know at the time, was the lifelong effects the trauma
had on me—eating disorders and other buffering behavior, perfectionism,
people-pleasing, lack of personal identity.
That’s the first step of the process of Letting Go of the Past. I invite you to work on it this week. Get your
paper and pen and start writing. Let it out. Let it all out. Don’t
censor yourself. And, allow yourself to actually feel the anger. Don’t push it down.
Don’t try to hide from it. Sit with it. Experience it. How does it feel inside
your body? Accept how much it hurts without numbing it away with food, alcohol,
TV, or something else. Let it come out. And be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself well. You have gone through the hard things and survived.
You’ve got this.
www.siblingcoach.com
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