I don’t know about other sibs of people with disabilities,
but as a child, I had a vivid imagination. In those moments I had to myself,
life was wonderful! I was beautiful. I had lots of friends. I went to parties. Life
was peaceful. There were no fights—everyone was happy. It was the stuff of a
Hallmark movie.
Whenever I had the chance, I took long walks alone, daydreaming,
singing, giving speeches to adoring crowds who were hungry to hear my words of
wisdom. I started million-dollar businesses from the crafts I made using sticks
and flowers gathered on my walks. As I
did the dishes and laundry, I was the sexy lead guitarist and vocalist in the
next hot rock band.
Truthfully, I was afraid. Afraid of adults, afraid of most
other kids, afraid of being noticed. After all, attention might be negative attention.
That meant humiliation. I had enough of that every day anyway. Other kids
picked on my brother, then me. I was prepared to run and hide at all times.
I was lonely. I had a few friends, but not many close ones. I
lived in my dream world as much as possible. The real world betrayed me. It robbed
me of my childhood. My fantasy world was
a well-kept secret.
The childhood Paula wished for a lot of different things in life.
I wished for big dreams, fantasies—"somedays.” Fantasies were temporary protection from a
cruel world, but now I need to learn how to change the emotions that damaged me.
Someday is here, and it’s time to get real. Time to choose my emotions and live
a proactive life.
The next step and third paragraph in this trek, Letting Go of the Past, is “I wish…”
I wish…
·
That my
my brother and I could have played together, like kids do.
·
That my
brother wasn’t disabled so we could have communicated at a deeper, emotional level.
·
That my
family had been able to share and show their feelings more easily.
·
That I
had spent less time making other people happy, and more time doing what made me
happy.
·
That I
felt comfortable making friends, instead of building up walls whenever I meet
people.
·
That I
didn’t have to work so hard at being happy.
·
That I
wasn’t so critical of myself.
·
That I
could let myself cry—really cry—without shutting if off. Just let it out until
it’s done. Truly experience the full emotion.
*The following wishes
are the ones I have never shared publicly. I tread lightly with these thoughts.
They seem dangerous to me. These thoughts cause me to worry about judgement
from others, including and especially, from other sibs:
Here goes!
I wish…
·
That I
felt safe to speak my truth. That I didn’t feel like I would be a monster if I were
to say what was in my mind.
·
That I
could understand how some sibs can say their disabled sib is their best friend.
Really? To me that is unthinkable. I loved my brother very much, but best
friend?
·
That the
painful parts of my childhood didn’t overtake the happy parts in my remembering.
·
That I didn’t
feel ashamed of my thoughts and feelings about my disabled sib and my experience
of growing up with him.
·
That I
had had more compassion for my parents.
·
That I
had not blamed others for my problems.
·
That I
was a better person.
This letter is soooooo draining. Who knew emptying your soul
would suck all the energy from your body and mind? Soon, those old feelings will
be out of me. That doesn’t mean they will be gone forever, but they won’t be
pulling me down anymore. I will be free to create new thoughts that will move me
forward.
Is that really possible?
Only a few more steps to go before turning the corner
towards a better life. It is possible!
Stay with me! We’re on it!
See you next week.
Paula
No comments:
Post a Comment