Blog Healing Journey-- Letting Go of the Past—I am Sorry That…

Letting Go of the Past—I am Sorry That…

Is it guilt or regret? Things we think we should have done, or things we did that we think we shouldn’t have done? Wrongs we believe were done to us? Are we feeling sorry for what happened to us or sorry for what we think we missed out on?

There is no right or wrong when it comes to our thoughts and feelings. It is less important what those thoughts are—you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. The most important thing is that you write your thoughts down and allow them to come out of you—come out from where they have been pushed down deep inside. Those thoughts became feelings that have been eating you up, wounding your soul.

Step 4 on the healing journey is “I am Sorry that…”

·           I didn’t love you.

·           I didn’t take care of you.

·           I worried about other people more than you.

·           I let you be the victim for so long.

·           I didn’t protect you.

·           I told you there weren’t any other choices.

·           I damaged your physical health by trying to cover up your pain with food and drink.

·           I damaged your emotional health by trying to hide behind false pleasures instead of experiencing and sharing your true feelings.

·           I compromised your relationships by putting up walls and pushing away people who tried to get close to you.

·           I wounded you emotionally by letting you believe you were responsible for everyone else’s problems.

·           I told you weren’t enough.

·           I told you that you had to be perfect.

·           I told you that you weren’t lovable.

·           I told you to be afraid—that others couldn’t be trusted.

·           I led you to take your pain out on others through judgement and anger—the very things you despise.

·           I dragged you from one painful situation into another one.

·           I did not see what was happening to you sooner.

·           I didn’t allow you to find your true self.

·           I stopped you from meeting your goals.

·           I wasted so much of your life.

After writing out your own thoughts of sorrow, you will be ready to move on to the final step in this letter that releases us from our past. I hope each week, you are allowing these painful feelings to come to the surface, so you can examine them, accept them, experience them, and then let them go. 

Imagine trying to hold a beach ball under water. It just keeps popping up—over and over. It fights to come up again and again, no matter what you do to hold it down. Now imagine your painful feelings are that beach ball. They will keep popping up, fighting to come to the surface. When they come up, instead of fighting and pushing them down, we need to recognize them, accept them, experience them, and then let them go. When we are able to do that, those feelings can no longer hurt us.

There will be one more week in this phase of letting go of the past, but it will not be the end of the process. There is so much more to come as we start looking forward to the future.

I’ll see you there!

Paula

Blog Healing Journey--Letting Go of the Past—I Wish

I don’t know about other sibs of people with disabilities, but as a child, I had a vivid imagination. In those moments I had to myself, life was wonderful! I was beautiful. I had lots of friends. I went to parties. Life was peaceful. There were no fights—everyone was happy. It was the stuff of a Hallmark  movie.

Whenever I had the chance, I took long walks alone, daydreaming, singing, giving speeches to adoring crowds who were hungry to hear my words of wisdom. I started million-dollar businesses from the crafts I made using sticks and flowers gathered on my walks.  As I did the dishes and laundry, I was the sexy lead guitarist and vocalist in the next hot rock band.  

Truthfully, I was afraid. Afraid of adults, afraid of most other kids, afraid of being noticed. After all, attention might be negative attention. That meant humiliation. I had enough of that every day anyway. Other kids picked on my brother, then me. I was prepared to run and hide at all times.

I was lonely. I had a few friends, but not many close ones. I lived in my dream world as much as possible. The real world betrayed me. It robbed me of my childhood.  My fantasy world was a well-kept secret.

The childhood Paula wished for a lot of different things in life. I wished for big dreams, fantasies—"somedays.”  Fantasies were temporary protection from a cruel world, but now I need to learn how to change the emotions that damaged me. Someday is here, and it’s time to get real. Time to choose my emotions and live a proactive life.

The next step and third paragraph in this trek, Letting Go of the Past, is “I wish…”

I wish…

·        That my my brother and I could have played together, like kids do.

·        That my brother wasn’t disabled so we could have communicated at a deeper, emotional level.

·        That my family had been able to share and show their feelings more easily.

·        That I had spent less time making other people happy, and more time doing what made me happy.

·        That I felt comfortable making friends, instead of building up walls whenever I meet people.

·        That I didn’t have to work so hard at being happy.

·        That I wasn’t so critical of myself.

·        That I could let myself cry—really cry—without shutting if off. Just let it out until it’s done. Truly experience the full emotion.

*The following wishes are the ones I have never shared publicly. I tread lightly with these thoughts. They seem dangerous to me. These thoughts cause me to worry about judgement from others, including and especially, from other sibs:

Here goes!

I wish…

·        That I felt safe to speak my truth. That I didn’t feel like I would be a monster if I were to say what was in my mind.

·        That I could understand how some sibs can say their disabled sib is their best friend. Really? To me that is unthinkable. I loved my brother very much, but best friend?

·        That the painful parts of my childhood didn’t overtake the happy parts in my remembering.

·        That I didn’t feel ashamed of my thoughts and feelings about my disabled sib and my experience of growing up with him.

·        That I had had more compassion for my parents.

·        That I had not blamed others for my problems.

·        That I was a better person.

This letter is soooooo draining. Who knew emptying your soul would suck all the energy from your body and mind? Soon, those old feelings will be out of me. That doesn’t mean they will be gone forever, but they won’t be pulling me down anymore. I will be free to create new thoughts that will move me forward.

Is that really possible?

Only a few more steps to go before turning the corner towards a better life. It is possible!

Stay with me! We’re on it!

See you next week.

Paula